


Restraint

by Lilydancer



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Bondage, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Domestic Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reference to Past Non-Con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 21:34:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7591264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilydancer/pseuds/Lilydancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written in response to this prompt at KMM: Arthur/Merlin,</p><p>Merlin thought he could handle dom!Arthur, but when the safeword is uttered he's afraid he's ruined everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Restraint

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS - additional info: Non-con tag refers to past non-con and domestic violence in Merlin's previous relationship, which Arthur has been helping him heal from, therefore there are multiple references including a brief but potentially triggering flashback. Bondage warning relates to Merlin's current consensual relationship and experiences, and also to past non-con.
> 
> Originally posted at: http://kinkme-merlin.livejournal.com/36351.html?thread=41765887#t41765887

Merlin takes a shuddering breath and wipes a hand nervously against the rough denim of his jeans. He’s been thinking about this all weekend, ever since he told Arthur he wanted to try it, but now that the time is here, his heart is drumming in his chest and his head is spinning. Suddenly, he’s not sure he’s ready. Can he really give over control to someone else like that again? His head knows he can trust Arthur, and he thought his heart did too, but his body doesn’t seem to be on the same page.

He knows Arthur’s nothing like Valiant. They’ve set this up properly, after all, with a safe word and so many conversations about what is and isn’t okay. And Arthur’s never pushed for this. He only even told Merlin at Merlin’s insistence, after they bumped into one of Arthur’s exes who had mentioned it, hoping to come between them. Knowing Merlin’s history, Arthur had been reluctant to share his favourite fantasies with Merlin. Merlin had been the one pushing, wanting to know Arthur fully and to support Arthur in whatever he enjoyed.

And now it’s come to this; to Merlin waiting in their bedroom for Arthur to get home, knowing that the Arthur who greets him might be very different from the Arthur he’s seen so far in their 19-month relationship. His stomach rolls and he forces himself to breathe slowly. He runs through all the prep they’ve done, all the lists and the shopping together; choosing restraints, a blindfold and gag. Discussing whipping, and sensation play, and where to draw the line with dirty talk. Discussing what would be considered humiliation, and how each felt about that. Arthur had insisted on knowing more about Merlin’s experiences with Valiant, wanting to be able to avoid the most obvious triggers, and that had brought them closer in ways Merlin hadn’t anticipated. As he draws another shaky breath, he replays the list of things they’d agreed not to do. No metal toys. No leg restraints. No oral sex from Merlin whilst blindfolded. No nipple clamps.

Merlin feels safer as he thinks of everything he knows will not be happening tonight. Arthur has been very clear about his intention to respect Merlin’s boundaries, and Merlin knows in his soul that even if Arthur had not spelled it out, he would not have doubted it; Arthur is too hung-up on honour and respect for that. They’d talked about a safe word (sorcery) and an “I’m-not-sure-about-this” word (warlock). They’d even talked about signalling with his leg or hand or head if he couldn’t say the safe word for any reason. No matter how much Arthur wants this (and Merlin knows Arthur wants this a lot), he’d been clear that none of that matters unless Merlin wants it too.

Merlin’s phone vibrates in his pocket, making him jump. He pulls it out to find a text from Arthur.

_Are you sure? I love you, no matter what ___

He takes another deep breath, and a moment to check in with himself. He knows that he’ll upset Arthur if he says he’s sure when he’s not. He knows that Arthur will read his nerves in his body and so he needs to be clear in himself about this. 

Still shaky, but confident in his decision, he replies, _Yes, I’m sure. Love you too_

It’s only a moment later that his phone vibrates again. _I’ll be there in a few. When I come in, I want you to say ‘hi Arthur’ and tell me your safe words. If you change your mind, say anything else, and we’ll do something else tonight instead._ Merlin smiles a little at that, knowing it’s true, and pleased that all this waiting is nearly over. He taps out _See you soon_ and hits send before setting his phone aside. His heart’s still racing, but there’s excitement mixed in with the nerves. He’s curious to know what Arthur has planned, given all the things he knows they’re not doing. Arthur’s always been generous, if a little bossy, in bed, and Merlin wonders how the new dynamic they could set now might change that. Aside from Arthur’s rules tonight, there’s one other rule Merlin has set himself, one he hasn’t had to explicitly set himself since much earlier in his relationship with Arthur. He’s determined that whatever happens tonight, he’ll focus on it being Arthur he’s doing it with. Valiant has had enough impact on their relationship, and Merlin will be damned if he gives his ex anymore control over his life today. 

Merlin listens so intently for a sign of Arthur that the scrape and click of a key in the front door seems to echo when it comes. It sets Merlin’s pulse a little faster and his breath quickens. No more waiting. Arthur’s here.

__Merlin hears Arthur setting his briefcase down, removing his coat and shoes and padding towards the bedroom. His cock twitches in his jeans. He lets Arthur enter the room and close the door before he approaches. This is it._ _

___Arthur’s already removed his tie and looks regal and proud, standing with his back straight and his gaze focused on Merlin’s. Just setting eyes on Arthur calms Merlin, even as his heart skips a beat. He knows he can trust Arthur, whose strong hands have never hurt him and who has already shown so much care in how they’ve set this up. Now Merlin just wants to make this night good._ _ _

___He takes a deep breath and swallows before speaking, breaking the heavy quiet in the room._ _ _

___“Hi, Arthur. If I want to stop tonight, I’ll say ‘sorcery.’ If I’m not sure, or just want to stop the particular things we’re doing but continue with the rest, I’ll say ‘warlock.’” Something about saying it seems very formal. Merlin doesn’t really understand how that could be a turn-on, but the way Arthur’s eyes go dark and intense says it is. Or maybe that’s just how much Arthur’s been wanting this. Arthur’s lips quirk into a smile, giving Merlin a glimpse of teeth. Merlin knows he won’t regret giving Arthur this._ _ _

___“Very good, Merlin.” Arthur’s voice has gone low; Merlin’s cock throbs. “Until we’re done tonight or one of us says ‘sorcery,’ you will call me sir, and you will do as I say. Is that clear?” One of their agreements had been not to use the term ‘master.’ That had been Valiant’s preferred title._ _ _

___Merlin nods. His heart is racing again. “Yes… Sir.” He swallows tightly. He can do this. He wants to. Arthur won’t hurt him._ _ _

___“If you disobey, you punishment is down to me.” Arthur’s told him this before. They discussed what could be used as punishment last night. But something about Arthur’s quiet voice, so confident that he’s in control, makes it feel real. It grounds Merlin. There are elements of the familiar here, in the cadence of Arthur’s breathing and the warmth of his gaze, even as the words and the distance still between them highlight that this is different._ _ _

___“Now strip.”_ _ _

___Merlin’s hands are shaky and sweaty as he fumbles his shirt off and lets it crumple to the floor. He glances back at Arthur before shuffling out of his trousers, and the lust on Arthur’s face is the same as ever, Arthur’s eyes watching him intently. His face and chest heat under Arthur’s gaze, and that’s normal too. Merlin’s hard cock bobs up as he frees it from the confines of his boxers, and then he’s naked in front of a fully-clothed Arthur, who hasn’t moved. Merlin has time to admire the way Arthur’s shirt fits his chest and shoulders snugly, and to think about the differences between this and their usual sex. Arthur’s quieter than usual, less tactile – the lack of contact surprises Merlin. He thinks he can hear his heartbeat in the void between them and starts to wonder if this was such a good idea. He’d thought Arthur would be more talkative, more hands-on, if anything, than he usually is. He doesn’t know quite what to do with the distance. It’s making him feel unsettled, and his muscles tense to prepare for – something. He doesn’t quite know what. Arthur’s eyes trace his shoulders, and Merlin wonders if Arthur realises how the quiet is affecting Merlin. He never did tell Arthur how grounding he finds his partner’s voice during sex. He’d worried Arthur would be upset if he knew sometimes Arthur’s face had been replaced by Valiant’s in Merlin’s mind, back in those early days; that Arthur’s voice had brought him back to the present. Now he thinks he should have told Arthur that. All he can hear is his own breathing, his own heart, and Arthur’s breaths.  
He jumps when a car alarm goes off outside._ _ _

___“Kneel.” That one word is enough to help ground Merlin as he settles on his knees, whether Arthur knows it or not. Perhaps it also helps that Arthur’s approaching now, padding towards Merlin. Arthur runs his hand through Merlin’s hair – something he only does when he’s concerned – and that reminds Merlin that he’s safe here, that this is _Arthur_ and that they can stop anytime Merlin wants to. He takes a deep breath and shakes the tension from his arms. Arthur meets his eyes, and there’s a hint of worry there, so Merlin nods and gives a little smile to let Arthur know he’s fine. Arthur nods back slowly and cups the bulge in his own trousers, before pulling his hard cock out, level with Merlin’s face. _ _ _

___“Suck it.”_ _ _

___That, Merlin can do. He keeps his hands at his sides – Arthur hadn’t mentioned using them – and allows Arthur to feed him his cock. Arthur groans when Merlin’s lips fasten over it, and the sound helps Merlin relax. He flicks his tongue over the head of Arthur’s cock before returning to sucking it, bobbing his head up and down, swirling his tongue now and then to vary the sensations in ways he knows Arthur likes. His jaw is starting to ache, but Arthur’s harsh breathing and occasional groans keep him going. When Arthur’s hand pushes lightly at the back of his head, he gags trying to take Arthur deeper and a wave of anxiety rises in him. Arthur’s already pulling away, and Merlin knows he misread the situation because Arthur had promised no deep-throating back in the early days of their sexual relationship. Guilt sits heavy in his stomach; he’s pretty sure Arthur correctly read his short-lived burst of fear. He knows how hard Arthur has to work not to be upset when he reacts like that. He swallows back the bitter taste in his mouth. He needs to make this good for Arthur. So far, it’s nothing they haven’t done before – with fewer words, perhaps, and less touching, but not new in itself._ _ _

___Despite this, Merlin’s still shaking, and Arthur’s not even undressed yet._ _ _

___He hears Arthur exhale loudly. “You’re allowed to speak, Merlin!” There’s a tinge of exasperation in Arthur’s tone, and Merlin can hear the anxiety vibrating beneath it. His stomach feels hollow as he realises he’s slipped back into Valiant’s number one rule without thinking about it – don’t talk, not a single syllable, or the punishment will be harsh. Merlin’s cheeks heat, and it’s hard to look at Arthur as shame roils in his gut. He hadn’t thought it would be like this. He needs to make it right._ _ _

___“Sorry, sir. I’ll do better.” But his voice shakes, and he knows Arthur hears it._ _ _

___In an instant, Arthur’s kneeling on the floor in front of Merlin, bringing his rough palm to Merlin’s cheek and tugging Merlin’s eyes to meet his. The heat of his body soothes some of Merlin’s frayed nerves._ _ _

___“Warlock.” Merlin’s pretty sure he looks dumbfounded as _Arthur_ uses one of their safe words._ _ _

___“W-what?” He’s even more sure he sounds stupid._ _ _

___“Warlock. If you won’t say it for yourself, I’m saying it for you.” There’s a glint in Arthur’s eyes and a tightness in his jaw that says he’s serious about this. “There’s something about this you’re not liking, you haven’t been this jumpy in over a year. I need to know what you’re not okay with and if we need to stop.” The longer Arthur speaks, the more Merlin’s head spins. Arthur’s voice is agitated, but it calms Merlin; at the same time, the thought of not being able to give this to Arthur, to submit to him, makes Merlin feel restless and hot. His chest feels tight at the concern Arthur’s showing. Merlin feels like he’s coming apart at the seams, with Arthur’s voice and Arthur’s thumb rubbing the line of Merlin’s jaw the only things holding him together._ _ _

___He knows Arthur’s waiting for an answer. He takes a deep, slightly shuddering breath, and tries to focus, to centre himself._ _ _

___“It’s just… the distance is hard. I’m sorry.” Merlin hates that this is still happening to him – to them – and wishes he could spare Arthur from going through this with him, but he knows Arthur would have none of that._ _ _

___“Don’t apologise.” Arthur rests his forehead on Merlin’s, and brushes their lips together gently. The tension drains out of Merlin, like that brief kiss was all he needed, although he knows it’s more than that. “I should have thought about that. Do you want to stop?”_ _ _

___“No.” Merlin pulls back, shaking his head to emphasise the point. He’s determined not to fail – he will give Arthur this. He knows he won’t regret it, and already there’s something healing about it. This is not the same as it was with Valiant. He’s safe here._ _ _

___Arthur watches him, seeming to search for something in his face. “Will you use your safe words if you need them, this time? I’m not doing this if you can’t tell me when something’s not okay for you.” The look in Arthur’s eyes is the same one he gets when he’s fighting for human rights in the House of Commons, determined and passionate; the same look he was wearing when Merlin first realised he loved him. It makes Merlin’s heart ache._ _ _

___“Yes, sir. I will.” Merlin hopes calling Arthur ‘sir’ will convince Arthur he’s okay to continue. He doesn’t want to let Arthur down – doesn’t want to let _himself_ down. He can do this._ _ _

___Arthur watches him a moment longer, before nodding and standing, pulling Merlin up too. “Okay. Get on the bed, I’ll join you in a minute.” With that, Arthur finally starts removing his clothes as Merlin wriggles into the middle of their bed and lies down. Short moments later, Arthur’s straddling Merlin and blanketing him with his body, bringing their lips together warmly. Heat fizzes in Merlin’s chest every time Arthur’s skin presses against him as they breathe, and Merlin suspects Arthur’s trying to make up for the distance between them earlier. He curls his fingers in Arthur’s hair and sinks into the kiss for a few moments, before pulling back slightly._ _ _

___“I’m okay now, sir. I promise.” And he really does feel it – the nerves have been replaced by excitement and the unsettled shaking of his limbs by anticipation. For all that Arthur’s been showing him for over a year that he respects Merlin and won’t intentionally hurt him, every time Arthur does something else to demonstrate that, Merlin’s heart swells. He’s not sure he deserves this man who loves him so much._ _ _

___Arthur quirks a half-smile, kisses him again briefly, and reaches to open the bedside drawer. He pulls out the restraints they bought a week ago – leather, because Valiant had favoured handcuffs and Arthur liked the contrast of black against Merlin’s pale skin – and raises Merlin’s hands above his head to secure them. Merlin notices the frequent glances Arthur gives towards his face, and smiles at him, shuffling himself a little closer to the headboard to ease the stretch in his arms from the new position. There’s something sensual about the feel of the restraints around his wrists as Arthur secures them. Arthur seems more convinced that he’s okay now, and his voice murmuring about how turned on he is both grounds Merlin and causes his cock to harden._ _ _

___Arthur shifts down the bed, placing kisses seemingly randomly against Merlin’s skin as he goes, brushing dry lips against Merlin’s shoulder, his nipple, his hip. Merlin groans when Arthur’s warm palm wraps around his cock, but Arthur pumps only twice before letting go._ _ _

___“I wonder… what to do with you now, all tied up for me…” Arthur’s words make Merlin have to hold back a snort, because he doesn’t believe for a second that Arthur doesn’t have a clear plan for tonight, but the way Arthur’s eyes rove over Merlin’s body makes him shiver, wondering what’s to come. He knows Arthur’s experienced when it comes to this, and probably has ideas that Merlin’s not even considered, but with Arthur’s weight on his legs and Arthur’s voice confident and velvety in the air around him, he doesn’t mind waiting to find out what they are. He can see that Arthur’s enjoying this, although there are still hints of concern – the way Arthur keeps glancing back at Merlin’s face, for one.  
Arthur’s hands are strong and steady on Merlin’s sides, one hand sweeping up to pinch a nipple, making Merlin gasp. Arthur pinches the other nipple, then leans in to whisper in Merlin’s ear._ _ _

___“I love when you groan and gasp, the way your body reacts to my touch. It makes me feel so powerful.” Before Merlin can respond, Arthur has pressed their lips together and shifted one hand away – Merlin can hear what sounds like Arthur rifling through the drawer again. He’s torn between wanting to see what Arthur’s doing and loving the feel of Arthur being pressed against him while he has nothing to do but whatever he’s told. There’s tension growing in his body again, but it’s a good sort of tension and he’s thrumming with excitement. He presses his groin against Arthur’s, enjoying the feel of their bodies against each other, and both he and Arthur groan. Then Arthur pulls back, telling Merlin to be still. Merlin doesn’t remember it ever being this hard to keep still with Valiant, and he relishes that difference._ _ _

___When Arthur shows Merlin what he has in his hands, it turns out to be a pair of ear plugs. Sensory deprivation had been one of the ideas that had appealed most to Merlin, but loss of hearing hadn’t been one that had occurred to him. A little anxiety returns at the thought of not being able to ground himself with Arthur’s voice. He knows Arthur doesn’t know how important the sound of his voice is to Merlin, but he’s also only a little anxious and pretty sure that as long as he can still see Arthur, he’ll be fine, so he tilts his head to the side to allow Arthur easier access to his ears._ _ _

___With the ear plugs in place, he can’t hear anything besides the pounding of his own blood pumping inside his ears, and he needs to raise his head and watch Arthur closely for a moment to stay grounded. Without his hearing, Arthur suddenly seems further away. The full feeling in his ears is uncomfortable, but when Arthur glances up at him, Merlin forces a smile and reminds himself that this is Arthur, and they can stop anytime. Once Arthur’s hands settle back on Merlin’s skin, Merlin relaxes, and he realises it’s the newness that’s making him unsettled, not anything from his past. It’s a liberating feeling._ _ _

___There’s something surreal about watching Arthur open the lube and slick his fingers without being able to hear the little sounds that normally accompany the action – the squelching of the lube, the click of the bottle cap. It makes Merlin feel a bit disconnected from what’s happening, but then Arthur slips a finger into Merlin’s entrance, and the sensation feels more vivid than usual. Merlin wonders if that’s just because he can’t hear or if Arthur’s using a different lube than they normally would, but as Arthur thrusts his finger in and out, adding another and then a third, it gets hard to think clearly. Merlin’s ears and arse feel stretched and tight, and he’s pretty sure he’s moaning but he can’t hear it, so maybe he’s not. He pushes down against Arthur’s fingers, and when Arthur’s thumb skates the rim of his entrance, he closes his eyes against the sensation.  
But that was a really bad idea because suddenly his chest is tight and he can’t breathe, can’t get enough air, and he’s back being blindfolded and pinned down by a bulky man who doesn’t love him and the feeling of fullness suddenly makes him feel sick. He rips his eyes open and he can feel his mouth moving but can’t hear what’s coming out, thinks he’s saying ‘sorcery’ but might not be saying anything or might never be getting past the first syllable for all he knows. Arthur’s pulled his fingers out and is right there in front of him, cupping his face, and suddenly Merlin realises he’s been shaking his head, too. He flinches when Arthur moves his hands over to each side of Merlin’s head, only to be swallowed by a wave of shame and guilt when he realises Arthur’s only taking out the ear plugs. He’s embarrassed when he realises all that set off this reaction was closing his eyes, and wants to pull away from Arthur but can’t because his hands are still tied. Tears well up and spill hotly down his cheeks, and he hates himself for messing this up._ _ _

___“Shh, Merlin, it’s only me, Arthur, you’re okay, you’re safe, just let me get your hands free, okay?” Arthur’s voice is quiet and calm, although Merlin knows Arthur can’t be feeling at all calm right now – Arthur’s never calm when faced with evidence of Merlin’s past, however much he tries to be for Merlin’s sake. Merlin nods, wanting his hands free so he can pull away and curl into himself, even as he wants to pull Arthur close and hold him tight. He’s more aware of himself now, can feel how much he’s shaking and the heat of a blush in his cheeks. He feels raw and hollowed out; vulnerable in a way he hasn’t felt for some time. He tries to focus on slowing his breathing, using the cadence of Arthur’s voice to pace himself. Arthur frees one hand and tenderly rubs Merlin’s wrist before Merlin has a chance to pull away, which makes Merlin cry harder because it was exactly what he needed to feel safe and he wishes Arthur didn’t have to worry about things like that. He’s not sure he deserves Arthur’s care, but the way Arthur does the same for his other wrist and pulls Merlin against him reminds him that Arthur thinks he deserves it, no matter what Merlin thinks himself. Arthur keeps one hand stroking through Merlin’s hair and doesn’t try to stop Merlin crying against his bare shoulder, but doesn’t try to touch Merlin with his other hand, either. It’s been a long time since they’ve been in this position, but they’ve perfected how to respond to flashbacks during sex and found what works for them, and the small part of Merlin that’s aware of this is grateful for that, because if it hadn’t been like this he thinks he’d have been sick. He can’t stop crying, but his breathing is settling a little, the panicky feelings subsiding. Arthur’s still talking, still telling Merlin he’s safe, and Merlin reaches a shaky hand out to take the hand Arthur had been keeping away from him. Arthur squeezes tightly, and Merlin squeezes back less strongly. He’d forgotten how rough this was._ _ _

___“I’m sorry, Arthur. I thought I could do it,” he whispers, his voice still cracking a little. “I didn’t think this would happen.” More tears leak onto Arthur’s chest as Merlin thinks about having ruined what should have been a good evening. He thinks he should pull away from Arthur, but having Arthur so close is helping him feel safe, and he’s not ready to let go of that. Even if he was, he knows Arthur wouldn’t want him to pull away out of feeling bad. Arthur proves he wants Merlin there by pressing a kiss to his hair and shifting their joined hands to rest on his chest._ _ _

___“It’s not your fault, Merlin, you have nothing – nothing – to apologise for. You did so well, love, I can’t believe you did that for me. I should have realised sooner or been more thoughtful – that was my job tonight, not yours.”_ _ _

___Merlin sits up angrily at that, although he still hasn’t quite stopped crying. “Don’t be stupid, Arthur, I didn’t even know that was going to happen, how could you ever have predicted it? You’ve been more than thoughtful, and there was no warning. If you say it’s not my fault, it’s certainly not yours, either!”_ _ _

___Arthur smiles a little at that and holds his hand out to Merlin, who rubs the remaining tears off his cheeks before settling back against Arthur with a huff of breath, muttering about clotpoles who take responsibility for things which aren’t their fault. Arthur’s hand rubs a soothing trail up and down his side. Merlin’s breathing deepens as the adrenaline rush passes. He’s starting to feel heavy and drowsy, and doesn’t want to move from his warm, safe spot in Arthur’s arms._ _ _

___“I am sorry though,” he murmurs against Arthur’s skin. “I really didn’t think anything like that would happen. I didn’t mean to ruin anything.”_ _ _

___“I know. It’s okay, and you didn’t ruin anything. Do you want to sleep for a bit? I’ll wake you in an hour or so and we’ll get takeaway for dinner.”_ _ _

___Merlin hums his approval of this plan, already falling asleep and only half aware of Arthur shuffling the duvet around to cover them. He thinks he really needs to marry this man, and that they’ll try this again, some time, with a bit more knowledge about how to make it good for both of them._ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> If I was even halfway good at writing in Arthur's POV I'd be really tempted to write Arthur's perspective on this.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it.


End file.
